Inner Demons

Lately I've been thinking a lot about inner demons. Those little voices in our heads that tell us that we are not good enough, that we cannot do it, that we are not loved. Everyone has different ones. Sometimes we listen to them, sometimes we defy them. Sometimes we believe them. They prey off of our fears and hold us back. None of this is new thinking.

Mostly what I have been considering is how to embrace those inner demons, accepting them as part of ourselves, without believing them. I know and accept my limits, but those are very different than my demons.

My inner demon
everyday
whispers
the same old thing
a lie, a truth
I cannot know
certainty is not
a human trait

my inner demon
everyday
whispers sweetly
in my sleep
unconsciously priming
all my thoughts
to start my day off
unbelievingly right

my inner demon
everyday
whispers daring me
prove me wrong
you can't
you cannot do
what you want to
and its not worth your life

my inner demon
everyday
whispers quietly
confidently right
no one loves you
no one could
too quirky and too broken
no one would

my inner demon
everyday
whispers silently
and years I've listened
heard and seen
and known him right
yet now I whisper back
I love you too

I Don't Understand Why

For some reason, I wanted to write a poem today about the things that I, and people I know, don't understand. As Sam, in Wes Anderson's Moonrise Kingdom, says, "Poems don't always have to rhyme, you know. They're just supposed to be creative." I guess this falls under the heading of 'being creative.'

I Don't Understand Why

people don't trust that my food is good
men tell me they love me when they break up with me
people automatically think my job is hard
the worst planning is always around ticket lines
change is hard
people are so afraid of each other

burger buns come in packs of twelve, but burgers eight
or is that hotdogs, never the same amount of packages
people think a busy life is a good life
people aren't more considerate of others
people don't live and let live
or people cannot seem to love each other, even while wanting it
despite the confusing greed

life isn't easier
people are so reluctant to be vulnerable
or to expand their communities
and people cannot be happy with what they have
people spend so much time, energy, and money on weddings and so little on marriage
consciousness emerged

people love me or they don't
people hang on to possessions, or do possessions hang on to us
quality and quantity never seem to match especially in people's lives
people keep wanting more and more
people do want they don't want and not what they do want
people hide their emotions

up in the air they all flutter
the questions and answers
never quite coming together
and swoosh... the autumn wind
blows, blows, blows them all away
nothing can hold back the will to live

Computer Competition!

http://cancerincytes.scienceblog.com/2013/03/09/using-computers-to-prevent-human-rights-violations/

For someone who is dating an international conflict stats graduate student and best friends with a computer programmer, this article seemed very intriguing. It seems it is more of an announcement of a competition. The competition is giving prizes for computer models and other things working to prevent mass genocide, rape, cleansing, and so forth. The mission is a very laudable one and we can hope that humanity can one day move away from ever wanting to try such things on each other. As a strong Christian, I believe that we should all work to love and be loyal to each other. In the terms of science, if we are all interconnected, then killing or hurting large populations will change you. Not really any way around that. And truly, what would your mother say?

The site of the challenge is here: http://thetechchallenge.org/

Life is Amazing

http://scienceblog.com/60944/institutional-betrayal-magnifies-post-trauma-effects-of-unwanted-sexual-activity/

Today is Friday. An ordinary Friday. However, it is amazing what can happen in a week.

Two cases as examples:
First, we all complain about institutions. Especially ones which we feel did us some harm or feel that they handled something incorrectly. How much more so for people who have suffered from sexual abuse or harassment in an institutional setting, like colleges, military, and so on. As humans, we walk a fine line of being responsible for ourselves and responsible for others which gets lost in the fog of control.

Second, my personal week. In the last week I have written a sermon, hosted a special dinner party, run a 15K race, given a sermon, taught an Adult Christian Ed class, gone to class despite the distraction of my boyfriend visiting, gotten officially a year older, driven through five different states, seen an old friend, failed a major test, and been given wonderful presents, all with the prospects of good old friends to visit and more interesting work to come.

How much love do you have in your week?