March 14, 2014, a day which will live in (not) infamy, we carried out that plan and ventured across this vast country of ours, shaking hands, hugging babies, and holding town hall meetings in order to achieve one thing: a Presidential Victory! We set out with an abundance of courage and determination; of confidence in our platform and of the conviction in the American people to do what is right. Our platform is as follows (spoken softly but while carrying big sticks):
- Anti-poverty: We don't like poverty because, well, who does?
- Pro-education: Rarely is the question asked: "Is our children learning"?
- Redistribute defense budget: Some old guy told us to watch out for this "military-industrial complex" thing.
- NASA: Because where would we be without memory foam mattresses and water filters?
- Abolitionists: If slavery is not wrong, nothing is wrong.
- Agriculture reform: Because soy subsidies are forcing innocent people to eat chicken curry in an Texas Arby's.
- Heath care reform: Dude, that system is broken.
These are not Republican issues. These are not Democratic issues. These are American issues. We must reach across the aisle to be successful. Which is why we ran as Independents. (Also, there was a little mishap with getting our paperwork through, so we were also write-ins).
America, indeed, you have nothing to fear but fear itself as you have shown in voting for us time and again (because then either you truly have no fear, or are crazy).
God Bless America!
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