BREAKING NEWS!! (or at least it was (or might have been) at some point)

CITIZENS! I write to you today in light of the recent string of sunny days that have befallen us. Here, for the first time in print (or any other media), are some sun-related notes I have dug up from my adventures in.... THE INTERNET!

After suspicious questions raised from our own Master Yoda on the appearance of redness of the skin in the presence of a sunburn, I met with one of my associates, Mr. Google. He explained that this was the work of the disease-fighting Immune System using one of its most powerful weapons, Blood Vessels.

Immune System swells Blood Vessels in the area of any cut, bruise, or burn, allowing for the small but mighty champions of anti-pathogen justice, the Bloods Cells, to swarm to that area in hopes of healing those innocent Skin Cells that were harmed or injured and to remove the Cells' fallen comrades that, unfortunately, did not survive.

Therefore! in order to prevent such a travesty, I am happy to provide a few Sun Safety Tips from my most trusted news source, The Onion. I have selected those which I feel are most important:

1. Always sit at least 100 yards from the Sun.
2. Instead of using our sun, sunbathe using a safer, more distant star, like Beta-Sirius.
3. Stabbings, while tanning or not, are very dangerous - Avoid them!
4. For those raised in a red-sun environment, yellow-sun may cause superpowers - Use only for good.
5. Avoid suntanning on inner planets like Mercury and Venus.

Good luck! And remember, only YOU can prevent your entire body bursting into flames.